I was born in Wisconsin, the oldest daughter and third child in our family. I came after my 2 brothers, and after me came 5 more siblings, so yes, we have a 10-member family! J As you can imagine, having a growing family wasn’t easy with my dad’s teaching income, especially since he was teaching in a small, private, school. But my mom was a coupon-cutter, financially-savvy person, garden-grower, home-made food and hand-me-down type of person, so we ate enough and ate healthy, and even had plenty of clothes! (They just weren’t Disney or brand-name, but who notices that around age 5?!) Then, after I finished the second grade, my family (there were 8 of us at the time), moved to Michigan, because my dad believed God was calling him to be a pastor. So after 2 years of working and saving in MI, my dad entered a new seminary, PRTS, in Grand Rapids, Michigan. During this time, I struggled to make friends at school, being naturally shy as well as being the “new kid” at school. I also had a lot of fears when I was young – not just fears of not being accepted, but fear of the dark, fears of terminal illnesses, fear of death, fear of the unknown – you name it! I remember being “dumped” from friendship by a girl in 6th grade that I had so much fun with for a small, but blissful time. She simply told me, “We just don’t have anything in common anymore.” I never could understand this, and it devastated me, since I felt like with her I finally had a real friend in school I could have fun with. Have you ever experienced this before, or been let down in a big way by a friend? At such a young age, it’s amazing how much it affects you, isn’t it?! My parents decided to home-school me in 7th and 8th grade, because they wanted to try it out, and also because they knew I was struggling socially in school. Besides, my class was considered one of the most notorious ones in our school at the time (or so I’ve heard), because for some reason as my class grew up, they got more & more rebellious! So I got taught at home a little Hebrew & Greek by my rather intellectual father, a thorough bit of grammar including sentence diagrams, as well as the rest of the subjects a middle-school kid generally gets.
However, it was at this time that my life took a turn down-hill, because as I hit puberty, I hit a stage in my life that my fears became the most real thing to me. I was most of all afraid of dying. You see, I had been brought up in a Christian family, and knew very well that if I died without Jesus as my Savior, I would go to hell. I was scared-stiff of that. Also, because of various growing-pains, all my fears became larger-than-life, and I would regularly get panic attacks and have crying spells in secret. The main problem was that I knew I needed God, but I didn’t know how to get to Him. I had been brought up in a Christian family and in church, but I just didn’t understand how salvation worked, or what it really meant to “believe.” I knew my life had a very large void, an emptiness I couldn’t fill, and I knew God was supposed to be there. I was empty, I was lonely, and I was very afraid.
You see, I knew in my heart that basically not just this world is full of sin and evil, but my heart was, too. I was born this way, and so is everyone else – we simply all have an inclination to do wrong instead of right. A lot of people argue this, but they forget that our motives are often the hugest factor in what makes a right-looking action, actually wrong. You see, God sees us with His perfect standard of goodness, because He IS completely good and perfect, and this is what He sees: “There is none who does good, not even one!” (Psalm 14:3). The most basic measurement God has given is in the 10 Commandments found in Exodus 20 – it’s like God’s 10 commands for human life. We may think we do well, until we realize that these commands not only apply to our outward behavior, but our hearts, thoughts, and motives as well! For example, when God says not to commit adultery, Jesus reminds us that when someone looks on a woman with lust, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart! (Matthew 5:28). Wow! With this kind of heart and thought-searching according to each of God’s commands, each one of us finds that we are all completely guilty! Those that sin against God in any way are worthy of His punishment. This punishment is in hell, because God’s justice goes way beyond ours: “But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death." (Revelations 21:8) Hell is real, and I knew it! And who of us can claim that we’ve never lied, never been faithless, never been cowardly, or never been immoral in our thoughts? We all deserve God’s just punishment in hell. (Some people say that hell isn’t fair, but they forget that we’re not the one who calls the shots on what’s fair – we don’t make the standards – God is the Creator, the Standard-Maker, and ultimately, the just Judge of the universe. He’s the One that makes “fair” fair! He knows complete fairness as well as complete goodness, because He is the epitome or height of fairness and goodness Himself. And He always operates in complete fairness & goodness, consistent with His Person!). So we’re in a predicament – we don’t want to go to hell, but that’s what’s coming to us, unless something drastic happens!
